Over the past several years, I have developed a very strong and what I consider a very healthy appreciation for deep, one-on-one, heart-felt conversations. It may suffice to say I like being real, and really don't enjoy pointless, "fake," chit-chat. I don't mean that I am so continuously soaked in contemplation that I can't enjoy the everyday lunch conversations or the occasional, "how was your day?" I do mean, though, that I will always prefer a serious conversation that begs to dig into the depths of life and search for the truth that is eternally hidden around us.
At the same time, as those whom I've discipled over the years can tell you, or perhaps those of you who read this can attest to, I am not always the best at explaining with my words the revelations and thoughts in my heart. Writing on this blog helps me to find improvement in this. And I genuinely desire to get better at portraying my thoughts and the joys the Lord has shared with me to whomever will listen.
As a consequence of these two realities, I have realized, as well as it has been pointed out to me, that I often preface the things that I am trying to say. There is a deep-rooted fear that exists within me that others will not understand what I am really trying to say. I realize the importance of communication, and so often see the problems that are caused when what one person is trying to say is actually heard in a very different way by others. So I preface. I spend as much time declaring what I am not saying as I spend trying to explain what is in my heart. And I know this can be annoying. One of the first people that not only noticed this within me, but also began challenging me to move away from doing it was a guy who does this himself, though not nearly as much as I do. (thanks Clay!)
Thus for the past 2-3 years, I constantly catch myself exerting energy to clarify what I am saying. I am not sure if I am any better at it today, but I am definitely much more aware of it.
So I ask this: Where does this fear come from? Is it a healthy fear? I realize there are good intentions behind my actions, but I am not convinced that I am walking in the freedom the Lord wants for me when I am always so careful with what I say. You often hear adults challenge children to "think before you speak." Well I often think too much before I speak.
I want to walk in the freedom of the Lord. I want to trust that when He shares a revelation or insight with me and then gives me an opportunity to present it to someone else that He will also give me the authority of His Spirit to speak it. To declare truth. To impart revelation. To not live in perpetual fear that the enemy will have power to distort my words in the ears and hearts of others. Does this make sense? I honestly hope so. I want to always "think before I speak," but I want that time spent to be focused on the truth of what I am trying to say and not the fear of how the enemy may be distorting it in the ears of my friends. Living in this fear is straight up bondage.
In the scriptures, Jesus says "simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'." ~Matt 5:37 He goes on to say that "anything beyond this comes from the evil one." I want to be careful with my words. In my attempt to share my heart, I want to be careful to simply speak truth without feeling the need to qualify it or providing an unnecessary explanation and trust that the truth of God will be conveyed.
May I cling to the promise from Jesus that "you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." ~Matt 10:19b-20 May you and I both be attentive to allow our ears to hear what the Spirit is saying through the words of our friends and not allow the enemy to distort those words. And I don't just mean in sermons we listen to or books we read, but in our everyday, heart-to-heart conversations. May freedom and the authority of truth reign in every word that comes from my mouth.
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