a secluded extrovert

Ever had one of those moments? One of those moments when you really need Jesus yet you hold yourself back from His presence until you get "cleaned up" or "fixed"?

I spent the last couple of years of high school, all of college and the first two years after college becoming more outgoing and trying to be more extroverted. I honestly felt as if I was becoming more and more of who God made me to be. To this day, I still feel as if that is true. However, in the past few years I have watched myself begin moving in the opposite direction. Perhaps returning to some of my more introverted behaviors and isolating tendencies. Why?

I don't know. I think most of this has to do with living so far from family and my closest friends. Being in a new place and trying to develop a strong community while longing for "the way things were." How silly is that? I have the incredible opportunity to attend Asbury full-time and be a part of this grace-filled community while the Lord is trying to prepare me and mold me. And still I find myself feeling alone. It is so strange. And it's simply not what is true.

Lately, I have been going through several different things which have involved varying degrees of difficulty. At times, I find myself sharing certain struggles with certain people and other struggles with different people. Almost as if I'm deciding who would be best to encourage me and walk with me through various segments of my journey. (as a side, it is moments like these when a single person is tempted to believe that having a spouse would help to solve the majority of these issues) At others times, I just put my head down and push through portions by myself, as if it would require too much energy for me to have someone come with me. Why?

For me, I know that I am not looking for the answer to that question. Is that strange? I'm not looking because I am convinced there isn't just one simple answer. The complications of our lives and the dynamics of our relationships dictate how each of us would deal with our own journeys. I am, however, actively asking that question because in the asking I am being reminded of foundational truths.

You know one of the greatest lessons to be learned from Jesus' life on this planet, in my opinion, is what He taught us through passages such as Matthew 11:28-30. We only need to come to Him. We don't need to "get right" with God or clean ourselves up in order to approach Him. Does a wounded and dirty child hesitate to run into their father's arms when they need him? No, their instincts and experiences tell them it is within their Father's arms that they will be cleaned and find comfort. Still, how often do we hesitate to be with Jesus? There are moments in my life when I have felt compelled to go to Him in the midst of complete brokenness. There are other times when I have allowed _________ (church, society, religion, pride, ignorance, others' perceptions, etc...) to delay my going to Him. Yet, that is completely opposite of what He requires and wants for us.

While I continue to figure that out, I believe some of the same issues are at play in my having become a secluded extrovert. Part of me still feels as if that outgoing side of me is who I truly am. Yet, for whatever reason, I have bought into this concept of getting aspects of my life in order before I can reasonably and justly expect others to be there for me.

I recently posted a video of a Phil Wickham song on this blog called Safe in His Arms. However, sometimes it is really hard to trust in that if we don't know what His arms look like. Perhaps I haven't been running blindly into Jesus' arms because I haven't known where the best place is to find them (friends, family, prayer closet, worship service, etc...) But I do know that I can always trust His heart. That will never fail me. And instead of trying to figure out this part of my journey, I need to just present me, exactly as the broken mess I am, to all people all the time and find the answers as I go.

I'm sure none of that made any sense. So I apologize for unloading the confusion of my thoughts on you. But I will leave you with this song, which doesn't provide an "answer" or even really "touch me" per se, but it has helped to facilitate a lot of my thoughts lately. Thus, I can only hope it helps to express what I've attempted to share with you.



May you not hide from any part of your journey nor any one who is there to go with you.