the tears fell

It was a cool North Georgia night in April. I was overwhelmed with school and any other ridiculous stress that a college student gets consumed with. It was the last session of the day for the Crosstrainers Retreat and the service had just ended. Most of the kids had made their way off to the camp fire to make s'mores and to find more trouble to get into. And I began to weep.

For three years I had been involved in this great Crosstrainers program and had thoroughly enjoyed the time I had spent with Brent and his brothers. Some of my fondest memories from college involve driving around with Brent, Aaron, and Jamal as we headed off to play basketball or carve out a pumpkin. I had been to the Crosstrainers retreat for the past two years. But something about this night was different. As I sat through the night session, realizing that so much of my energy was being directed toward my own life (my studies and my relationships and my future) I began to attempt to really focus my attention on the kids. The altar call had been given and most of the kids were now leaving. However, I remained, face down on a wooden gym floor weeping.

The Lord had completely broken my heart. I was overwhelmed with a passion to see these children rise up and walk into the fullness of the freedom and the hope that was given to them in Christ. I was broken to see so many lives in only the beginning stages of understanding the heart of the Father. I was gripped with the reality of the hopelessness that so many of these kids were living in. I wanted so much more for them. And it was at this very moment, as I had removed myself from being the center of focus and had asked to see these kids the way that Jesus does, that the tears began to fall. I was given a glimpse of the depth of His heart for each of these kids; especially for Brent and his brothers. It was the first time in my life that my heart had been completely and utterly broken for someone or some group of people. And so I wept. I wept because I wanted for them. I wept because I hoped for them. I wept because I believed for them. I wept because I loved them.

To this day, I believe that very night was the beginning of the Lord's call to my heart to teach and fight for His children. It was laying face down on a dirty wooden floor in a puddle of tears that I began to realize that I had no greater joy than to know that His children were walking in truth. And ever since that beautifully tender night in 2004, the Spirit has been awakening my heart for the people of my King.

Recently, my plans for spring break fell through. I had really gotten my hopes up and now I was very disappointed that I would be resigned to less than what I had wanted. However, a few days ago, I received a phone call from the lady who now runs Crosstrainers. Their retreat this year happens to fall on the last weekend of my spring break, and she asked me to come and not only see the kids again, but also to speak to them. I cannot express how honored I am. Even after 6 years spent ministering to these kids, I still doubt my ability to connect with them. We are so very different from one another. However, I am blessed to still possess that same broken heart for these kids. And the Father has blessed me with an opportunity to spend part of my spring break with them.

So many times while in college, when I was having a bad day or was really struggling through something, I would just go to one of the communities or call Brent up and would just hang out with them. Immersing myself into their world was the best medicine I ever found in Athens. And once again, as I was selfishly disappointed about my failed spring break plans, plans that I thought would be the very best thing for my soul, the Lord is going to use these kids as His blessing in my life.

Thus, after a few days spent at home with my family, and getting to play with my nephews and niece, I am headed off to my 8th Crosstrainers Retreat. I will covet your prayers, both for me, each of the kids, and each of their coaches(mentors). I am hoping that once more, the tears may fall. May you find blessings in every disappointment you encounter as well. I will be sure to let you know how it goes.